My alarm went off at 8:30, just in time for me to role out of bed and get to class. My morning routine consisted of turning on my computer, finding a comfy blanket to snuggle up with, grabbing a bagel, and taking some notes on systemic racism or whatever the topic of the day was. My last trimester of high school was online, most of my first semester college classes had been online, and now there were all online. Thankfully this wasn’t going to be a permanent thing, I was just in a two week quarantine in my parent’s basement so I would get to go back to some in person classes soon. I also couldn’t hang out with friends, go shopping, go to work, or really do anything that might motivate me to get my homework and classes done on time. College felt like a glass less then half empty. I found myself getting comfortable in a pattern of turtle like movements when only a week earlier I was thriving going 100 miles per hour. My motivation got lower and lower. I stopped reading my textbooks all together. I rarely participated in online discussions for class. I still got the grades I wanted, but I wasn’t really motivated to learn anymore. I began to think college was a mistake, how in the world was I going to survive four more years of school?!
Now the semester is over and somehow I managed to earn high grades in all of my classes even though I went through phases of extremely low motivation. Much of this was thanks to my professors being incredibly generous graders but there was another large portion that had to do with pushing through the times when I didn’t want to do school anymore. After I got out of quarantine, my motivation didn’t reappear. It took time to rebuild my stamina and there were some bad habits I kept throughout the rest of semester. I got back into my semi-normal life of work, friends, church, clubs, and school. The problem I have faced in college so far is not the same problem I had in high school. In high school, I was obsessed with school, I loved learning about almost everything. My problem now is that I love living; hanging out with friends, taking unique opportunities, becoming more of an adult. And its hard to turn online lectures about the integumentary system into interesting life experiences.
I realized I would be just as happy not becoming a nurse as if I did become one. I started to believe that I couldn’t go through four years of intense science classes, that I wasn’t smart enough. I realized I would live an amazing life if I dropped out and moved overseas to begin the mission work I have dreamed of since I was 8 years old. I started researching organizations, bible colleges, and how I would finance the change. Then I remembered a fundamental truth that has grounded me since.
My senior year I asked God that He would direct my path, that He would only allow me to go to the place I was supposed to. I would only go to a four year school if I could afford it, and God was going to have to make that happen. I had applied for dozens of scholarships and had won a couple from my first choice university (including a nursing scholarship). I was still short a couple grand so started taking out a loan. Then I got an email from the school that someone had put money into my account. I never found out who gifted me the money but it was a clear answer that this university was, at least for now, in God’s plans for me. I didn’t have to take out any loans for my freshman year. God provided for me. Somehow in the busyness of my first semester, I had forgotten how God had answered my prayer and that obviously, continuing my education at college to gain my nursing degree was the right thing to do.
Sometimes finding the motivation to push through must be found in your original motivation to begin. Even if what your doing isn’t fun and doesn’t feel right in the moment, remember why you started. Remember a time when you were confident that this was the right thing for you to do. Make space to do the things that make college fun for you. Get outside, even if you live somewhere that seems to be more cold than warm (like me), quick walks around campus or a park work wonders! Set small goals, like “get through the end of the day” or week. I started actually using a planner for the first time in my life and color coordinated my tasks because it helped me feel so much more productive. Seriously, the satisfaction of physically checking a box is soooo amazing!
Know that it is okay for plans to change but don’t just change them because you doubt your ability or because you lose your passion for a short time. Fill up your near empty glass little by little, finding motivation is a process. But it isn’t an unattainable process, you can and will find motivation to continue forward if you take time to reflect on why you began.
College Crazies 